Source: Austin Lawyer, a publication of the Austin Bar Association, 4/01/2009

Dallas-based home builder, Barry Homes, announced today that they had completed the purchase of the Texas Supreme Court. Company spokesman H. R. “Ted” Hefweisen said the deal made good economic sense. “We were only two clerks shy and so we decided to take control to dispel any lingering uncertainty.” The home office announced there would be very few changes at the outset with the exception of their plans to turn the Supreme Court library area into condominium units for lobbyists, to be named “Highcourt Lofts.”

Hefweisen reassured the public however that there would be no interruption in the Court’s workload. “We will take a hands-off attitude to influencing court decisions. We will be looking at creating a premium tier for filing fees, however, to insure that only quality litigants are fast-tracked to the decision-making process.” He went on to explain that corporations who need special attention may apply to the Court’s new concierge service, which may include dinners with the justices to discuss sensitive matters. “Don’t worry, though, we’ll keep the doors open to all litigants.”

Using techniques learned in the building industry, Barry Homes is also looking at pre-fabricated opinions which could be reused in similar situations. “Litigants who want custom opinions might have to pay more.” But overall, Barry Homes expects no complaints from the court staff. “Heck, we’re like family here,” Hefweisen added.

Appellate Judges Bristle Under New Rules

Source: Austin Lawyer, a publication of the Austin Bar Association, 4/01/2009

“Exhausting!” That’s how one unnamed Texas appellate judge has reacted to new Work Rule/Office-hour Guidelines issued by the Office of Court Administration. Under the new rules, which went into effect March 31, all Texas appellate judges are required to spend at least 12 hours per week at their offices.

The new rules have not gone over well. “How are we expected to get anything done with all this time we’re required to actually be in the office?” quizzed one judge from the 15^th Court of Appeals. “I find far less distractions at home and on the campaign trail,” commented another. “I mean, if you’re in the office, you have all those pesky staff attorneys, not to mention the other judges trying to come in and pick your brain on some minute point of law. It gets old.”

“That’s just the point,” said Raymond Niffer, the administrative specialist who primarily authored the rules. Noticing that the output and quality of many opinions has declined in the past 10 years, Niffer said that the new Guidelines were promulgated “to require a certain amount of professional discussion and interaction among the justices.” His comment drew stiff rebuke from another unidentified judge. “But does it need to be 12 hours? Good grief, it takes me nearly 45 minutes to drive in from the lake house. I have well-trained law clerks who write most of my opinions anyway. I can read them off my Blackberry, forgoshsakes!”

The Association of Intermediary Appellate Court Justices plans to take their complaints to the Texas Supreme Court. The matter has been sets on the Supreme Court’s very next weekly conference agenda, now set for June 30, 2009. No Supreme Court justice was available for comment during the two weeks prior to press time.

[HOT: We applaud the author’s April Fools sense of humor and direct you to our 1Q-2009 Newsletter, which described our Ground Hog Day spoof.]

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